Pine Nuts: A constipated capitol calls on Roto-Rooter Man

INCLINE VILLAGE, Nev. — “Hello, is this Roto-Rooter Man?”

“Yes it is, and I can unstop any stoppage you might happen to have.”

“Well, this is Speaker Boehner, and I’ve tried about everything else but the Roto-Rooter Man, do you suppose you can help?”

“Yes, Mr. Speaker, I was hoping you would call, and so was the rest of America. Actually I had two to one odds at Harrahs that the president would call first, but that’s water under the bridge. May I begin? Do you have a pencil?”

“Well … yes.”

“All right, here we go, you’re getting the tools you need from Mr. Roto-Rooter, the best crap-shooter in town. Number one, no more hooky, you must stay in the capitol at least four days a week when congress is in session. You can no longer make laws that do not apply to you, nor can you redraw congressional districts — that trifle must be left to non-partisan commissions.

Your medical plans, pension plans and Social Security benefits must be commensurate with the private sector, and you must initiate open primaries to mitigate the influence of extremists, for zealotry, Mr. Speaker, is the culprit in this stoppage.

You need to rescind executive order, except in times of emergency, and it should be made a custom for the president to dine with a member of the opposing principle party once a week — a different member each week; civility being a lubricant in the process of unstopping the stoppage.

Moving right along, sorry, but you can only serve two terms. When you leave congress after one or two terms your retirement benefits will be that of all other temps — nada. Latin is a dead language, Mr. Speaker — so is the filibuster, bury it.

Repeal Citizens United. Money is not free speech, if it were the poor would be rolling in it. And corporations are not people, if they were their stocks would be chattel serfs. Pursuant to a more egalitarian society, you should stop talking about “minimum wage” and start talking about a “living wage.”

In full disclosure, names must be made public with the purchasing of all political ads. Finally, upon leaving office you cannot go to work for any entity interacting with congress, nor can you earn money in dealing with laws made by your congress.

Oh, and one more thing, abolish income taxes, sales taxes, productivity taxes, and replace them with a single tax on property. A single tax on property value will get things moving again, Mr. Speaker, reduce our national debt, and save our economy.

In closing, the tools I’m handing you are simply that, tools with which to unstop the stoppage in Washington. The single property tax is the pure, sweet cool water with which to cleanse the arteries of government and prevent future obstruction.

Should you elect to ignore my suggestions and continue to shove that hairball from the fourth stomach of an ox down the pipe yet again, I can only take a quiet step back, clip my nose with my thumb and forefinger, and wish you luck.

Remember, Mr. Speaker, you are not elected to support your party, right or wrong, you are elected to represent the vital interests of your country and the world community at large. (I made up that last part, but if it’s not in there it should be.)

Finally, as a footnote, you should take a look back at the late Hugo Chavez, the man Tucker Carlson says is now Satan’s roommate. Politics aside, Chavez connected with his people. There is not a politician in America today, from President Obama, to yourself, to Senate Leader Reid, who speaks to all Americans. This is no way to run a sanitation system.

There. You’ve got the tools, Mr. Speaker, and they will get things moving again in the capitol, or my name’s not Roto-Rooter Man. Hello? Hello!?”

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